Words of wisdom: I've learned that ......

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. (Amen to that!)

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that I'm getting more and more like my grandma, and I'm kinda happy about it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned that you should never tell a child her dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if she believed it

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that if you don't want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.

I've learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.

I've learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meaning, it loses value when overly used.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

Author Unknown

 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Today I am feeling very sad.  I wanted to finally return to church this morning but I didn't have the energy to even get dressed.  It's 12:00 noon and I'm still in my pajamas and I want to go back to bed.  In fact, I want to stay in bed until Tuesday or Wednesday when I will get my disability payment.  I have had no money for over a week now and my neighbour just loaned me $5 so I can get the cats some food.  Luckily, I have plenty of food for myself however I can't even buy a pack of cigarettes, my only source of fun ... apart from my computer and TV.

I am so lonely.  The only person who talks to me is Joy, my neighbour and good friend.  If it wasn't for her, I never would have got to the hospital and more than that, no one would even know that I'm alive.

I truly don't know what I do to people that makes them not want to talk to me.  For instance, I think that Corinne is not speaking to me because I got mad a Norma.  I am within my rights to get mad at her as she is an 'opportunist', just like most of the people around here.  She only comes here to get a cigarette or a joint or something ... not because she likes me or wants to be my friend and I told her so.  When this kind of thing happens, others will not speak to me because they rather stick up for the other rather than understand why I get angry.

I will not apologize to Norma because I didn't do anything wrong however I am frightened to stick up for myself as it is ME who suffers the consequences.  I hate bare-face liars and I have met so many like this I just can't trust most people any longer.

My own family won't even speak to me because I spoke my truth to Dad.  Just because Margaret is 'his love' and I am not fond of her, shouldn't mean I do not belong to 'my' family any longer but that sure looks like what is happening.

Why can't my family understand that I am ill and was very, very sick for a long time?  I try to write letters to Dad but none of them seem to be good enough.  I try not to point fingers but that always seems to be the result.  My illness is not their fault however it is exacerbated by their lack of kindness and interest in me and my life.  I don't want anything from them other than a bit of love; nonetheless, that seems to be too much to ask.

It's a decent day outside and I should go for a walk yet I'm frightened to run into anyone I know 'cause it seems EVERYONE doesn't like me.  Why?  What have I done to them?  I'm in debt up to my ears because I just gave and gave with no appreciation or anything in return.  I have been angry with some of them but should that mean they never speak to me again?

I am tired of saying sorry and I will never say it again unless I mean it and someone deserves my apology.  Right now, I have no one to apologize to other than my father and it is not because I mean it; it's because I miss him so much.  I don't know what I'll do if he dies without me seeing him.  I will go crazy, I know.

I always wished that I was his little girl but after Mom's death I thought I would be able to get closer to him - that never happened.  It's all Gordon and it's always been Gordon.  What did I do to my parents that made them feel that I wasn't worthy of their love?  And if they did love me, why couldn't they have shown it?

I always felt I was Mom's punching bag.  Sure I mouthed off at her but what kid doesn't.  I earned every cent of my dollar allowance.  I had chores to do and I did them.  Yes, sometimes begrudgingly nevertheless I did them.  Why did a young girl not want their mother to even touch them after time went by?  I was tired of being the reason for, what seemed, everything that went wrong in that house.

I know I wasn't a bad kid!  I broke the rules sometimes and so did Gordon yet I never saw him take the 'hell' that I received.

And why am I not good enough for Gordon and Bryce?  Who taught Bryce to dislike me as much as he does?  I am so sad that I will never be a part of little Alexander's life and I so want to be.

Living life with no family support has been the worst of all.  I guess they think that everything I say is a lie and that my behaviours have all been deliberate.  They weren't and they're not.

People won't let me die and I'm not suicidal however I do not understand why I'm here on earth.  I want to find Jesus again.  It is said that he loves all and I need his love.

Just last night, while trying to find some money, I found a lot of things I kept from when I was a little girl.  My Junior Auxiliary badge, my Brownies badges, elementary and high school crests.  I always was doing charity work of some kind and did so up to and including when I came to Toronto.  It stopped after my work at The Daily Bread Food Bank because I was frightened travelling home at night.  I have never felt safe since I left Montreal and now no organization where I think I might do some good wants me.

the only thing I look forward to, any more, is my morning chat with Joy and if/when this stops I will have no one left in my life.

I will sign off for now.  I am going to lay down, watch TV, and hopefully fall into a deep sleep so I can forget the way I feel today.  Let's hope that when I wake up, life will look a little brighter.  I MUST get used to being alone as that is what I see my life will be until I die.